On being lost

What this is for

This isn’t for anything. I have decided to take some of my personal writing and thinking public in digital form … this is that.

I’m feeling lost

This could sound like it is a negative thing. I’m feeling lost … but that’s ok. I’m letting myself sit with it. I’ve often sought change, actively pursued it, when I have felt this way in the past. I … must … keep … moving (the background to my mind). I don’t know why. I have just always hated being “still”. I have to keep moving forwards.

But right now … right now, I don’t know what that means. I don’t know where forward takes me?

So, I feel lost.

I’m trying to sit with that … to accept that. But the desire (or maybe more honestly discomfort) to keep moving is hard to resist. It’s hard to not go and seek.

I don’t know why I am this way. Is it because I always felt like I had to constantly prove myself, to prove that I deserved to be included? Is it because I am ambitious, or is my ambition a convenient mask I wear to cover something else?

This isn’t my first time sitting with this question, with this feeling. But it is my first time sitting with them and a pen. I know the next wind will find me. The path always becomes clear eventually. So I reframe, I try to sit and find the excitement in this moment, to wash away that discomfort, and replace it, without simply chasing after an unknown.

Where will my mind and drive take me next? Where will my new forward be?

Deeper into the philosophy?

Learning a new skill?

A career pivot?

Or maybe back into education … yes I have looked.

I don’t know. So for now, I keep doing the things I am here to do, the things I love doing, whilst I sit with my pen in hand, and thoughts in my head …

Why am I feeling lost? What does it mean to be lost? and most importantly …

Where will I go next and why?